Chuck vs KittyGoddess415's iPod Playlist
by KittyGoddess415
Summary: Inspired by the iPod playlist fics, but a bit more selective. All chapters up to Chapter 5 rated K-plus, but alternate Chapter 5 with rated M scene. Sarah's leaving, Chuck's prepared, but is that really it? COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1 Full of Grace

Chapter 1 -- Full of Grace, Sarah McLachlan

Summary: My take on the iPod playlist idea. I'm not going to lie, this was on random, but not the first songs. Plus, it's a playlist, not the _full_ random. Sue me. I like the idea, I'm just more selective. =P I may try it the hard way later.

_Sarah thinks on her career choices and their consequences. _

Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck. Or Sarah McLachlan. Or much of anything. Maybe DVDs. Maybe.

* * *

She folded her clothes with clinical precision, placing them carefully in organized geometric patterns in her suitcase. The repetitive motion complemented the repetitive thought in her head.

_He had to know it would end like this._

Fold, and place. Fold, and place. She would not think about him. Would not think about how hurt he would be.

_He had to know it would end like this._

It was comical, almost, how the CIA had "recruited" her. All they had done was given her a legal means to use her skills.

Because really, what difference was there between being a spy and running the long con?

Her father had taught her manipulations with multiplication, how to disarm with a smile. The CIA had taught her to disarm with a weapon, and use one. The perfect spy.

_He had to know it would end like this._

The click of the suitcase closing sounded like a shot in the empty room. Everything besides her belongings had already been dealt with by the cleaners. Sarah Walker wouldn't exist in a matter of hours. Someone else would check in, and life would go on here.

_He had to know it would end like this._

She left the picture of the two of them from their recreated Comic-Con on the bed. She didn't have the heart to destroy it herself.

***

Casey led the final team of cleaners into the room, and caught sight of the picture on the bed. He palmed it before the rest of the team entered around him, he owed her that much. He knew who she wanted to have it.

***

The sound of Chuck tearing the picture in half was deafening in his bedroom. He threw both into the garbage and slammed the door shut behind him.

Sarah watched from the shadows of Casey's apartment and reached her hand towards the window. _He'll forget all about me._

But she knew, con artist that she was, that she lied.

* * *

**Full of Grace** – Sarah McLachlan

the winter here's cold, and bitter

it's chilled us to the bone

we haven't seen the sun for weeks

too long too far from home

I feel just like I'm sinking

and I claw for solid ground

I'm pulled down by the undertow

I never thought I could feel so low

oh darkness I feel like letting go

if all of the strength and all of the courage

come and lift me from this place

I know I can love you much better than this

full of grace

full of grace

my love

so it's better this way, I said

having seen this place before

where everything we say and do

hurts us all the more

its just that we stayed, too long

in the same old sickly skin

I'm pulled down by the undertow

I never thought I could feel so low

oh darkness I feel like letting go

if all of the strength

and all of the courage

come and lift me from this place

I know I could love you much better than this

full of grace

full of grace

my love

* * *

**A.N.: **Hope you enjoyed! I'm still working on vs. the Silence, but my boyfriend is getting sick of me watching the same scene five times to get dialogue and nuance. Oops. ;) Should I bother with these little interludes? Hit the Review button and tell me! :)


	2. Chapter 2 Love is Blindness

Chapter 2 -- Love is Blindness, U2

_Chuck does know how it'll end, but does that make it any better?_

Disclaimer: Still don't own Chuck. Definitely don't own U2. They're way too expensive.

* * *

The hardest thing he has ever had to do is pretend he didn't know. He knew full well how it would end, had grudgingly suspected since meeting her father that it would be easier for her to leave than she led him to believe. Nerd that he was, spy games and cons were vicariously familiar territory. What respectable nerd hadn't spent time watching Bond movies and reading post-apocalyptic fiction? The wiles and the detachment of a spy weren't qualities he possessed, but they were definitely ones he recognized, and he knew that she could and would play him like a fiddle. She'd be guilt-ridden, but it would be for the greater good, and that justified it. Barely.

But he wouldn't let her know. He would fight to keep her the best way he knew how – by being that innocent, naïve, trusting guy who wouldn't dream she'd break his heart. It was the best weapon is his arsenal, the antithesis to her reality. She was constantly surrounded by jaded, cynical, world-weary spies. He could give her that breather, that fresh perspective. And he did it so well, she never suspected.

It was all he had to offer.

As he watched over time, he could see the chinks in her armor start to form. The only question was, when it shattered, which way would she run?

Towards him, or away?

He had his answer today. He should've been more prepared, he'd always known it was coming, yet all his mental preparation meant nothing. He ripped the very real photograph to the shreds she'd left his heart in and slammed out of his bedroom, strongly suspecting she was watching.

She would. She'd want to see firsthand how he responded. It was how she operated. It wasn't done until every last loose end was tied.

Well screw that. She could tie this one around her own neck.

* * *

**Love is Blindness **- U2

Love is blindness  
I don't wanna see  
Won't you wrap the night  
Around me?  
Oh my heart  
Love is blindness

In a parked car  
In a crowded street  
You see your love  
Made complete  
Thread is ripping  
The knot is slipping  
Love is blindness

Love is clockworks  
And cold steel  
Fingers too numb to feel  
Squeeze the handle  
Blow out the candle  
Love is blindness

Love is blindness  
I don't want to see  
Won't you wrap the night  
Around me?  
Oh my love  
Blindness

A little death  
Without mourning  
No call  
And no warning  
Baby, a dangerous idea  
That almost makes sense

Love is drowning  
In a deep well  
All the secrets  
And no one to tell  
Take the money  
Honey  
Blindness

Love is blindness  
I don't want to see  
Won't you wrap the night  
Around me?  
Oh my love  
Blindness.

* * *

**A.N.**: Still not 100% sure if all the stories will actually follow from each other, I'll let you know if it changes...Enjoy! And review! :)


	3. Chapter 3 Hide and Seek

Chapter 3 -- Hide and Seek, Imogen Heap

_Not even a little bit. Chuck's angst, in the cocoon of the couch._

Disclaimer: Chuck has not shown up on my door step with a note saying "Please take me in." More's the pity.

* * *

He lay on the couch, arm thrown over his eyes. He stopped noticing how wet his sleeve was, lost track of any semblance of time. It was over, he knew it was, but maybe if he didn't open his eyes, didn't look around the apartment, it would be real. Maybe if he didn't look everywhere and see her ghost, it would mean she was still here.

How had he let himself believe it wouldn't all disappear in an instant?

She'd told him that when it was all over, it would be like she and Casey never existed. He'd thought he'd understood what that meant.

He hadn't even come close.

It had only been an hour and seventeen minutes since Casey had handed him the picture with a gruff goodbye _Chuck couldn't help that his watch was on his eyes _but the cleaners had carted him away in a little under an hour, cleaning out an apartment occupied for years as quickly as they'd cleaned the house in the suburbs Chuck and Sarah had shared for days.

He felt like the world was spinning out of his control again. But this time he knew how, why, and what he was losing. At Stanford he'd had no clue that he'd just missed the CIA taking over his life, but now, he wanted nothing more than to give himself over to them if it'd bring her back.

The only problem was, he knew it wouldn't. She was moving on. It was what she was trained to do. And feelings or not, Sarah Walker or Jenny Burton or Sarah Anderson, would do what she was trained to do. There wasn't enough real girl left in her without him to change her mind.

***

She touched the window softly, the living room window framing him in his misery. _I'm sorry_, she mouthed silently.

His arm never moved, and her apology only made it as far as the glass.

* * *

**Hide and Seek **– Imogen Heap

where are we?  
what the hell is going on?  
the dust has only just begun to form  
crop circles in the carpet  
sinking feeling

spin me round again  
and rub my eyes,  
this can't be happening  
when busy streets a mess with people  
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek  
trains and sewing machines  
all those years  
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls  
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,  
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek  
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)  
blood and tears (hearts)  
they were here first

Hmmm whatcha say?  
Hmm that you only meant well?  
well of course you did  
Hmmm whatcha say?  
Hmmm that it's all for the best?  
of course it is  
Hmmm whatcha say?  
Hmmm that it's just what we need  
you decided this  
whatcha say?  
Hmmm what did you say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth  
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs  
speak no feeling no I don't believe you  
you don't care a bit,  
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)  
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth  
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)  
speak no feeling no i don't believe you  
you don't care a bit,  
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit

(hide and seek)  
oh no, you don't care a bit  
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)  
oh no, you don't care a bit  
you don't care a bit  
you don't care a bit

* * *

**A.N.**: Still following along nicely from each other. Let's see if our ending is happy or sad...


	4. Chapter 4 Be Still My Beating Heart

Chapter 4 – Be Still My Beating Heart

_But is that really it?_

Disclaimer: Allegedly this so-called En Bee See owns Chuck. They should treat him better, then, because I love him very much.

* * *

It seemed like the beginning of a mystery noir novel. _There was an unexpected sound from the door. _He heard voices, one raised in surprised, the other low. He wished to hell it were Sarah, and hoped to hell that whomever was there would just go away.

Instead, the mystery novel struck again as _the doorknob turned, and the door opened to reveal…_

"Sarah?" Chuck rubbed blearily at his eyes, sunlight streaming in at a variety of angles they hadn't achieved through his arm. _You've got to be kidding me._

Ellie walked in and threw her keys on the table, calling back, "I told you, you could've just rung the bell, Sarah!" as she headed into her bedroom.

She stood paralyzed just over the doorway, the deer in headlights. It was almost comical, and against his better judgment a snort escaped him.

The sound seemed to break the spell and her brows furrowed. "Damn it," she whispered as she looked down at the ground, shaking her head. "Damn it, damn it, damn it."

Chuck reached out, grabbed her upper arm, and dragged her inside, closing the door behind her.

"Speak," he commanded.

"Damn it, Chuck, Ellie surprised me, you weren't supposed to know I was here."

He stared at her in silence, and abruptly turned away and stalked to the kitchen. He opened a cabinet, pulled out a glass, and opened the refrigerator.

"Chuck?" she asked, puzzled.

"If that's all you have to say to me, you can see yourself out, Agent Walker." He spat the name like an epithet. He drew a deep breath, came up with a carton of orange juice and poured himself a glass. "Be more careful in the future, you wouldn't want someone with worse intentions than Ellie to surprise you." He returned the carton to the fridge, calmly closed the door, and walked back towards his own bedroom, leaving Sarah standing in shock.

***

His heart raced as he sat on his bed. His orange juice did a jitterbug in his hand, rippling and rolling as his hand intermittently shook. _Ellie surprised her. She was that caught up – in me? – that Ellie surprised her. Sarah Walker, superspy, con artist extraordinaire. Surprised by my sister. _He gulped down some orange juice, hoping against hope that he wouldn't hear the front door open and close. The jitterbug started again, but the sloshing was worse. He set the glass down on the nightstand, just as the door to his room opened. He bobbled it momentarily, righting it just in time.

She stood in the doorway, her mouth opening and closing soundlessly.

He stood and yet again drew her into the room, shutting yet another door behind her. He raised an eyebrow, and let it, and his shoulders, drop. "Please tell me you have something better to say to me." He sat on the bed and gestured to the entirety of his room. "Sit, stand, whatever you like."

She stood directly across from him, unconsciously falling to parade rest. She'd managed to close her mouth, still unable to find the words she knew he needed.

She took a deep breath, and he held his.

* * *

**Be Still My Beating Heart **– Sting

Be still my beating heart  
It would be better to be cool  
It's not time to be open just yet  
A lesson once learned is so hard to forget  
Be still my beating heart  
Or I'll be taken for a fool  
It's not healthy to run at this pace  
The blood runs so red to my face  
I've been to every single book I know  
To soothe the thoughts that plague me so

I sink like a stone that's been thrown in the ocean  
My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion  
Stop before you start  
Be still my beating heart

Restore my broken dreams  
Shattered like a falling glass  
I'm not ready to be broken just yet  
A lesson once learned is so hard to forget

Be still my beating heart  
You must learn to stand your ground  
It's not healthy to run at this pace  
The blood runs so red to my face  
I've been to every single book I know  
To soothe the thoughts that plague me so  
Stop before you start  
Be still my beating heart

Never to be wrong  
Never to make promises that break  
It's like singing in the wind  
Or writing on the surface of a lake  
And I wriggle like a fish caught on dry land  
And I struggle to avoid any help at hand

I sink like a stone that's been thrown in the ocean  
My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion  
Stop before you start  
Be still my beating heart

* * *

**A.N.**: :) Probably helps to keep continuity that the playlist I chose was the one that I called the soundtrack of my life -- so it's a mess of angsty, happy, meaningful songs. This is looking to go on for a while, but it's an easy flow. Let me know if you think I should keep going!


	5. Chapter 5 Breathe Me, Rated K

Chapter 5 – Breathe Me

_She has to have something better to say, or it's all over._

Disclaimer: I would be a much happier person if I owned Chuck. And so would he.

_This is the K+ version. I venture, for the first time in a long time, into a scene that can only be rated M. That'll be next. But for those young'uns, this would be The End. :)_

* * *

_I have to think of something_. Sarah knew she was in over her head, but she couldn't for the life of her think of a single thing to say. She concentrated instead on breathing, and found herself caught in Chuck's gaze. He met her eyes steadily, expectantly.

"I was looking at you and I didn't know there was anyone else in the world." It came out in a harsh whisper, but to her credit she didn't look away. _In for a penny…_

He stayed silent, still just gazing at her intently. "Ellie surprised me, while I was staring at you, and told me I should've just rung the doorbell. I didn't know what to say, couldn't stand to break her heart by telling her we were breaking up. And then you looked at me."

His brows drew together in confusion. "So?"

She sighed, closing her eyes, shaking off parade rest to start pacing the room. "And your heart was in your eyes and I just…I don't…I don't know what to do with this, Chuck. It…it _hurts_." She stopped pacing and locked eyes with him again, hers bright with unshed tears. "Damn it, Chuck, it never hurt before. I've run so many ops, so many long cons, closer covers, hell, there was Bryce, but it never _hurt_ this much." She pressed a hand to her chest and rubbed over her heart. "I feel like I might cry, or scream, or I don't know what." She paused and noticed the look on his face. "What?"

At the question, the grin spread full grown and brilliant across his face. "I _matter_ to you, Sarah. Whatever else, I know that I matter."

"What?" The question was irate. "Are you kidding me, Chuck? You're shocked and thrilled that you matter?"

His smile faltered as he nodded slowly. "Well, yeah. I mean, I know you're the superspy, the perfect con artist. You could make me believe the sky was green with purple polka dots if you set your mind to it. Of course, I'm shocked and thrilled that I mattered, I could-" His voice faded as he finally realized what had triggered Sarah's reaction. He swallowed hard. _Damn it. _

"You could never really let yourself believe that I really cared," she finished quietly. "Am I about right?" Her tone was even and calm.

Chuck drew a deep breath. "Um, yeah, that'd be it."

She nodded slowly and resumed her pacing in silence, breathing slowly and evenly with some effort. Chuck took shallow breaths waiting for some cue as to what came next. She stopped and turned to him, twisting her hands in front of her. The eyes that met his were those of just another girl. He saw himself, and her pain, both reflected in them.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "That's what I was doing, outside your window. I wanted to tell you I was sorry."

He reached out a hand to her. "Come tell me, then." He drew her slowly to the bed, and coaxed her to sit down next to him.

She sat heavily. "Chuck, I…I've done this for all my life. Even before the CIA. I've lied, cheated, stolen, broken hearts and broken laws. I'm not…I'm not good, or clean, the way you deserve. I was nearly out of your life. I was literally inches away from being gone without a goodbye. That's my job, that's what I was trained to do. And even with whatever this is, I was going to do it."

"But you didn't. You didn't get the chance." He tilted her head up to look at him. "Sarah, you didn't get the chance because you were…" He smiled again. "You were looking at me and you got caught up and you couldn't go. At least not fast enough." He nudged her gently with his shoulder. "You were looking at me."

It amazed her, that something so simple would be so significant to him. She drew a deep shuddering breath and looked up at him. "I was looking at you, and I got caught up, and I couldn't go. I was looking at you and I couldn't leave you."

The smile he graced her with was blinding. She laughed in spite of herself as he wrapped his arm around her and squeezed. The squeeze drew her face tantalizingly close to his. They closed their eyes as one and leaned in for a soft and passionate kiss. He nuzzled her softly, planting soft kisses around her face as she basked in the glow. "I love you," he whispered.

She closed her eyes as a slow sweet heat spread through her. "Oh God, Chuck," she breathed. She was taut as a drawn bow, poised on the edge of the rest of her life. "I love you too."

* * *

**Breathe Me **-- Sia

Help, I have done it again  
I have been here many times before  
Hurt myself again today  
And, the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
I'm needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again  
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,  
Yeah I think that I might break  
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
I'm needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
I'm needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me

* * *

**A.N.**: Look at that, my playlist gave them a happy ending! Yay! :) Hope you enjoyed this, it's been nagging at me since Friday morning, so getting it all out Saturday evening to maybe get in a day's work on "vs. the Silence". Let me know how you think it went?

...

All right, young ones, off with you. Adults, please proceed to the next chapter, and be gentle with your reviews...


	6. Chapter 5 Breathe Me, Rated M

Chapter 5 – Breathe Me

_She has to have something better to say, or it's all over._

Disclaimer: I would be a much happier person if I owned Chuck. And so would he.

* * *

_I have to think of something_. Sarah knew she was in over her head, but she couldn't for the life of her think of a single thing to say. She concentrated instead on breathing, and found herself caught in Chuck's gaze. He met her eyes steadily, expectantly.

"I was looking at you and I didn't know there was anyone else in the world." It came out in a harsh whisper, but to her credit she didn't look away. _In for a penny…_

He stayed silent, still just gazing at her intently. "Ellie surprised me, while I was staring at you, and told me I should've just rung the doorbell. I didn't know what to say, couldn't stand to break her heart by telling her we were breaking up. And then you looked at me."

His brows drew together in confusion. "So?"

She sighed, closing her eyes, shaking off parade rest to start pacing the room. "And your heart was in your eyes and I just…I don't…I don't know what to do with this, Chuck. It…it _hurts_." She stopped pacing and locked eyes with him again, hers bright with unshed tears. "Damn it, Chuck, it never hurt before. I've run so many ops, so many long cons, closer covers, hell, there was Bryce, but it never _hurt_ this much." She pressed a hand to her chest and rubbed over her heart. "I feel like I might cry, or scream, or I don't know what." She paused and noticed the look on his face. "What?"

At the question, the grin spread full grown and brilliant across his face. "I _matter_ to you, Sarah. Whatever else, I know that I matter."

"What?" The question was irate. "Are you kidding me, Chuck? You're shocked and thrilled that you matter?"

His smile faltered as he nodded slowly. "Well, yeah. I mean, I know you're the superspy, the perfect con artist. You could make me believe the sky was green with purple polka dots if you set your mind to it. Of course, I'm shocked and thrilled that I mattered, I could-" His voice faded as he finally realized what had triggered Sarah's reaction. He swallowed hard. _Damn it. _

"You could never really let yourself believe that I really cared," she finished quietly. "Am I about right?" Her tone was even and calm.

Chuck drew a deep breath. "Um, yeah, that'd be it."

She nodded slowly and resumed her pacing in silence, breathing slowly and evenly with some effort. Chuck took shallow breaths waiting for some cue as to what came next. She stopped and turned to him, twisting her hands in front of her. The eyes that met his were those of just another girl.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "That's what I was doing, outside your window. I wanted to tell you I was sorry."

He reached out a hand to her. "Come tell me, then." He drew her slowly to the bed, and coaxed her to sit down next to him.

She sat heavily. "Chuck, I…I've done this for all my life. Even before the CIA. I've lied, cheated, stolen, broken hearts and broken laws. I'm not…I'm not good, or clean, the way you deserve. I was nearly out of your life. I was literally inches away from being gone without a goodbye. That's my job, that's what I was trained to do. And even with whatever this is, I was going to do it."

"But you didn't. You didn't get the chance." He tilted her head up to look at him. "Sarah, you didn't get the chance because you were…" He smiled again. "You were looking at me and you got caught up and you couldn't go. At least not fast enough." He nudged her gently with his shoulder. "You were looking at me."

It amazed her, that something so simple would be so significant to him. She drew a deep shuddering breath and looked up at him. "I was looking at you, and I got caught up, and I couldn't go. I was looking at you and I couldn't leave you."

The smile he graced her with was blinding. She laughed in spite of herself as he wrapped his arm around her and squeezed. The squeeze drew her face tantalizingly close to his. The air seemed to snap and sizzle between them as they both stopped dead in their tracks.

Her eyes seemed suddenly heavy and heated, and he met her intensity, his eyes burning with pent up desire. Her eyes dropped to his lips and it was like unleashing two caged animals in heat, though who struck first was indiscernible. All she could feel were his lips on hers, all he could taste was her, the sweet strawberry gloss, the spice of her mouth. Hands roamed wildly, and he fell back on the bed as Sarah advanced. He rolled them over, needing to control the pace that was threatening to burn him to cinders. Clothes seemed to shred and suddenly it was just skin and slick and breaths being heavily exchanged, textures and tastes overrunning all else. Where before Sarah wasn't fast enough, now she couldn't slow herself down, ravenous for what she'd almost lost. As she and Chuck learned each other again and again in the fading afternoon sun, she knew she'd been waiting and hoping to be caught outside the window.

"I love you," he whispered above her, brushing sweat-slicked hair off her face and raining kisses on her instead.

She closed her eyes as a slow sweet heat spread through her. "Oh God, Chuck," she breathed. She was taut as a drawn bow, poised on the edge of the rest of her life. "I love you too."

They exhaled and reached their climax together.

* * *

**Breathe Me ********-- Sia**

Help, I have done it again  
I have been here many times before  
Hurt myself again today  
And, the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
I'm needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again  
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,  
Yeah I think that I might break  
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
I'm needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
I'm needy  
Warm me up

And breathe me

* * *

**A.N.**: And, curtain. Happily ever after, says my playlist.

Um, so. There you have it, my first rated M scene in a very long time. Maybe not even a strong...well, okay, yeah, kind of a strong M. LOL. But be honest, did it seem right? Anyone fanning themselves? ;) Would love to know, I won't bother with another one if this one isn't up to par! Thanks! :)


End file.
